Wow.. June was the last time I wrote on this thing. Truth be told since September 7 to now, it's has felt like one long blurry day - I started school! Actually, I started school.
I should have done this years ago but youth and ignorance told me I had "all the time in the world". Ha. Now I'm thirty-fickin'-one years old, surrounded by a bunch of teeny boppers, trying to get a degree. They're worried about recovering from the hangover they incurred from last night's 14 hour drinking marathon and I'm worried about contributing to my tax-free savings fund in light of having to pay tuition this year. Despite my grumblings, I'm glad I'm doing it - there was a time when I didn't see school in the stars for myself and I always worried about going through life without AT LEAST a bachelor degree. After all, I judge people who can't differentiate between 'they're' and 'their' and 'your' and 'you're'. Can you imagine: I'm smirking at a grammar dreg after correcting them, (I always do - it's like I have turrets - I just shout out: "IT'S Y-O-U-R, a possessive pronoun, not Y-O-U apostrophe R-E. That means 'you are'. Are you trying to say "I like you are purse" ??? Nitwit. How old are you?"). Then they humbly respond, "Wow, I wish I understood grammar like you do and I love your hair. What university did you go to?". Ouch. Mother Earth would have to open up an swallow me that instant because I probably vapourize from humiliation and start rumours about a "new race of vanishing people". I'd be mortified.
In short, I have to get my degree so I can demean others shamelessly and with authority.
Wait 'til I get my Masters!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Day 4 - afternoon
EPIC FAIL
I had cereal and a nectarine at 2 pm and my mom cooked ackee and saltfish at 4. So I had some. Of that, too.
By definition, I am no longer fasting.
Let's talk about it tomorrow; I'm reeling in guilt from my failure and I have the itis.
I had cereal and a nectarine at 2 pm and my mom cooked ackee and saltfish at 4. So I had some. Of that, too.
By definition, I am no longer fasting.
Let's talk about it tomorrow; I'm reeling in guilt from my failure and I have the itis.
Day 4 - morning
I weighed myself this morning and I finally saw some downward movement on the scale: 1.8 pounds down. Not impressive but it's a start.
I did the salt water flush again this morning. Just as I remembered it from Tuesday - the.most.awful.thing.ever. is to piss through your ass. Oh well, all in the name of weight loss. I mean, detox.
I am pleased as punch (yummm... punch) to report no headache last night and no hungry feelings this morning - maybe I'll never have to eat again in this lifetime! Who am I kidding, I already have a list of all the restaurants I'm going to visit and cooking requests for mom when I'm off this detox.
I'll keep you posted as the day progresses!
I did the salt water flush again this morning. Just as I remembered it from Tuesday - the.most.awful.thing.ever. is to piss through your ass. Oh well, all in the name of weight loss. I mean, detox.
I am pleased as punch (yummm... punch) to report no headache last night and no hungry feelings this morning - maybe I'll never have to eat again in this lifetime! Who am I kidding, I already have a list of all the restaurants I'm going to visit and cooking requests for mom when I'm off this detox.
I'll keep you posted as the day progresses!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Day 3
Your girl is a don.
I went to a South American pub with some friends to watch the Uruguay vs South Africa match. When I arrived, they sat me right next to the kitchen door where plates of chicken wings, onion rings, french fries, tacos, cheese burgers and other fine pub fare paraded past my eyes, nose and salivating mouth. I forgave my friends for this strategic seat because they didn't know I was fasting. As I sat through the game, I dreamed of a variety of fried things dancing and singing their way to heaven where angelic food belongs. Delusions aside, I didn't eat a morsel. After the match (South Africa was robbed, by the way) a friend and I decided to walk around downtown to take advantage of the glorious afternoon weather. About a half hour into the walk this so called 'friend' declared he was hungry and almost convinced me to break my fast and have a steak with him; "Oh, come on, why fast when you can ride your bicycle everyday for an hour and you'll lose 10 pounds in like, 5 days. Have a steak with me." This comment got me thinking, 'is it true - am I doing a foolish thing when the alternative is so much easier?' I was on the brink of desertion but a dose of common sense shot through me and I remembered the detox part of this journey and put my foot firmly down. No steak. As I shook my head to gain some clarity, my friend, let's call him Lucifer, walked straight into a burrito joint and ordered a steak burrito with all the fixings: guacamole, black beans, cheese, hot sauce and sour cream. He proceeded to eat the burrito in front of me and in a display of utter negligence, stupidity or pure torture, he even asked me to hold his burrito while he bought a drink. I did it because I'm a good person (although I had to battle thoughts of 'accidentally' sprinkling dirt from a nearby flowerpot into the burrito before returning it to him). Then Lucifer and I went to the movies and as we entered the theatre the smell of freshly popped popcorn sucker punched me in the face. If you know anything about me know this; my weakness is movie popcorn - warmly popped and covered in salty, greasy, buttery goodness. But I didn't have any, not one kernel. There should be an award for accomplishments like this, I should get like, $10,000 from the government or something.
I never realized I had so much will power and self discipline. I feel like a pimp; bitches bow down to me 'cause I'm hot, I can't be stopped and I rolls like that.
Sorry, I got ahead of myself there. Goodnight.
I went to a South American pub with some friends to watch the Uruguay vs South Africa match. When I arrived, they sat me right next to the kitchen door where plates of chicken wings, onion rings, french fries, tacos, cheese burgers and other fine pub fare paraded past my eyes, nose and salivating mouth. I forgave my friends for this strategic seat because they didn't know I was fasting. As I sat through the game, I dreamed of a variety of fried things dancing and singing their way to heaven where angelic food belongs. Delusions aside, I didn't eat a morsel. After the match (South Africa was robbed, by the way) a friend and I decided to walk around downtown to take advantage of the glorious afternoon weather. About a half hour into the walk this so called 'friend' declared he was hungry and almost convinced me to break my fast and have a steak with him; "Oh, come on, why fast when you can ride your bicycle everyday for an hour and you'll lose 10 pounds in like, 5 days. Have a steak with me." This comment got me thinking, 'is it true - am I doing a foolish thing when the alternative is so much easier?' I was on the brink of desertion but a dose of common sense shot through me and I remembered the detox part of this journey and put my foot firmly down. No steak. As I shook my head to gain some clarity, my friend, let's call him Lucifer, walked straight into a burrito joint and ordered a steak burrito with all the fixings: guacamole, black beans, cheese, hot sauce and sour cream. He proceeded to eat the burrito in front of me and in a display of utter negligence, stupidity or pure torture, he even asked me to hold his burrito while he bought a drink. I did it because I'm a good person (although I had to battle thoughts of 'accidentally' sprinkling dirt from a nearby flowerpot into the burrito before returning it to him). Then Lucifer and I went to the movies and as we entered the theatre the smell of freshly popped popcorn sucker punched me in the face. If you know anything about me know this; my weakness is movie popcorn - warmly popped and covered in salty, greasy, buttery goodness. But I didn't have any, not one kernel. There should be an award for accomplishments like this, I should get like, $10,000 from the government or something.
I never realized I had so much will power and self discipline. I feel like a pimp; bitches bow down to me 'cause I'm hot, I can't be stopped and I rolls like that.
Sorry, I got ahead of myself there. Goodnight.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Still Day 2
It's 10pm and I want food. I have a headache, seems they strike in the evenings, and I am hungry. There is a half bag of Doritos in the cupboard that just keeps taunting me; "What are you trying to prove", the foil bag keeps saying to me, "can't you taste the cheesiness of my crisp, corn tortilla melt away in every recess of your mouth?". Shit.I just drooled on my shirt a little.
Earlier today I did the salt water flush and lemme tell you, it flushed me; the same way it went in, it came out. Only at the other end. And a slightly different colour. I drank it at 12:30pm and it didn't fully 'run out' until about 2:30pm. Crazy.
I'd like to paint a picture of the support system I have around me while I embark on this difficult journey. I've told my parents about this detox since two weeks ago so they are well aware of the fact that I am currently on it. Today I went outside to see my dad who came to visit and as I took a seat in his car I realized he had a styrofoam container and a plastic fork in his hand, devouring something that smelled insanely wonderful. I had to say hello 3 times before he even noticed me, in fact, the only time his attention was diverted from whatever heavenly smelling creation he was eating was to say to me "Oh sweetie, it's a shame you gave up eating because this spicy shrimp on fried rice is really good. You sure you don't wanna try it?". His comment started an endless chorus of rumbling in my stomach. Then I looked up to see my mom bound towards the car, fly the door open and retrieve a similar looking styrofoam container from a plastic bag on her seat. As she dug into her equally wonderful smelling meal, I wished I could staple my nose shut so I couldn't smell the glorious food scents surrounding me and the chorus in my stomach became a full out orchestra. Needless to say that visit with my dad was a short one. In spite of my supportive parents I managed to maintain my composure. I scurried out of the car into the safe confines of the house to... the mean bag of Doritos. No, I did't have any but I did hold the bag lovingly to my bosom for a few minutes.
I am feeling weak so I'm going to bed.
Earlier today I did the salt water flush and lemme tell you, it flushed me; the same way it went in, it came out. Only at the other end. And a slightly different colour. I drank it at 12:30pm and it didn't fully 'run out' until about 2:30pm. Crazy.
I'd like to paint a picture of the support system I have around me while I embark on this difficult journey. I've told my parents about this detox since two weeks ago so they are well aware of the fact that I am currently on it. Today I went outside to see my dad who came to visit and as I took a seat in his car I realized he had a styrofoam container and a plastic fork in his hand, devouring something that smelled insanely wonderful. I had to say hello 3 times before he even noticed me, in fact, the only time his attention was diverted from whatever heavenly smelling creation he was eating was to say to me "Oh sweetie, it's a shame you gave up eating because this spicy shrimp on fried rice is really good. You sure you don't wanna try it?". His comment started an endless chorus of rumbling in my stomach. Then I looked up to see my mom bound towards the car, fly the door open and retrieve a similar looking styrofoam container from a plastic bag on her seat. As she dug into her equally wonderful smelling meal, I wished I could staple my nose shut so I couldn't smell the glorious food scents surrounding me and the chorus in my stomach became a full out orchestra. Needless to say that visit with my dad was a short one. In spite of my supportive parents I managed to maintain my composure. I scurried out of the car into the safe confines of the house to... the mean bag of Doritos. No, I did't have any but I did hold the bag lovingly to my bosom for a few minutes.
I am feeling weak so I'm going to bed.
Day 2
I couldn't finish watching the movie because the 'slight headache' became a sonic boom type affair. I went to bed at 1:45am to sleep it off.
I woke up this morning with no headache (yeah me) but the marching band that was previously practicing in my head now seemed to be doing laps in my stomach. At 6am my stomach started gurgling, churning and making tribal noises; no doubt a testament to the laxative tea and absence of food.
I mention the laxative tea I drank last night because shitting is a big part of this detox. I will now attempt to explain the premise behind 'shitting yourself skinny and healthy':
Apparently, your body is completely obsessed with digestion - 80% of your body's resources (blood flow, oxygen intake, etc) are tied up with digesting the food you eat. The lemonade contains all the nutrients and calories your body requires to sustain itself in an easily digestible form: liquid. Because you aren't eating food to be digested, your internal bodily resources are "freed up" to aid repair and healing in areas that were previously being ignored or not getting enough help. Now, the toxins that have built up in your body as a result of years of eating fertilized and processed food, need to be flushed out - and this is how the shitting part enters (rather exits) the equation. Taking a laxative tea morning and night AND drinking a salt water flush ensures your pipes keep pumping out the bad stuff.
So far I think my pipes need some more convincing. Seems my body regarded last night's laxative tea as only a 'suggestion' and besides a few stomach rumblings, has decided to ignore it. I will drink another cup this morning along with a shot of the salt water flush.
Cancel all my appointments, I'm staying in.
Monday, June 14, 2010
First day on Master Cleanser detox
Check this link out: http://www.blackdoctor.org/TheMasterCleanse.pdf
It an excerpt from the book "Master Cleanser" by Stanley Burroughs. Actually, it's 30 pages of the 50 page book, but whatever.
I decided to do this thing to lose weight. Now, I now you're not supposed to say that because it's a 'detoxification of the body' not a diet but who am I kidding??!!!! The detox is an added benefit but I wanna drop them pounds so I can wear a thong (all up in my booty crack) bikini by August.
So for this detox you drink 6-10 cups of a lemonade mixture daily (page 10 of the above link) and that's it. No food, no other liquid (except water) THAT'S IT. I'm light-headed just thinking of it. The book says you go up to 40 days! Without food??!!! I ain't no Gandhi so I'll try it for a modest 10 days - the minimum to reap the benefits of detox. I know what you're thinking: if I'm doing it to lose weight why do I care about the detox aspect? But I figure if I don't benefit from the detox it would be like going to a 2 for 1 sale and refusing the free item.
During the course of the day, hunger struck a few times (slight tummy rumblings) but I drank the lemonade and it vanished. I was not lethargic or weak at all which surprised me. I was out of the house most of the day and as I returned home I started to get worried - evenings are my weakest food craving time. Anytime after 8pm I'm a goner to whatever, crackers, cookies, cereal, chips or leftover dinner is lurking in the kitchen; it's as though my resolve vanishes at that time and I'm left with the will-power and self discipline of a 4 year old. I am happy to report that I came home, drank the laxative tea, took a shower and decided to watch a movie. I wasn't (badly) tempted to eat. At 11pm I had a slight headache.
All in all it wasn't a bad day. I anticipated it to be much harder, more hunger pangs, pounding headaches and far more urges to eat. Although the urge to eat wasn't overwhelming, I thought about food so much today and it seems every commercial and program on tv this evening is about food. Must be my karma for eating for so poorly all these months. Oh well, gone to watch Julie and Julia (yes, I'm a sucker for punishment).
Going to bed.
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